


Alone In A Losing Fight

by QueenOfNewOrleans22



Category: Guns N' Roses
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:08:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25818577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfNewOrleans22/pseuds/QueenOfNewOrleans22
Summary: Steven is falling into an abyss.Izzy wants to help him, but damn, he feels so alone.
Relationships: Steven Adler/Izzy Stradlin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Alone In A Losing Fight

**Author's Note:**

> This is in a different universe than my GnR series, to avoid confusion.

Steven is dead to the world. 

Just to make sure, Izzy rests his hand against the blonde's chest to ensure that it wasn't just a figurative statement. For a minute, Izzy's heart stutters, and his breathe catches, but then the chest resumes it's regular schedule of rising and falling, up and down, and the world beyond to spin again. Air seems to fill the room, this small place that smelt like alcohol and cigarettes, and Izzy shuts his eyes and wills away the fear. Steven isn't dead, he won't die, it's all just a leftover fear that will never come to life. His heart is still beating, a life that has barely begun, and then Izzy looks up at the ceiling and feels like he's falling because their lives have barely taken hold. Young and already torn apart by their own doing. Izzy prides himself on being one of the more put together people in this godforsaken band and even he's fallen off this old and beaten track that's been traveled many times before.

It's cold. Steven had somehow managed to steal the blanket during the time, and Izzy couldn't bring himself to untangle it from the sleeping man. Steven's been sleeping a lot. Falling into a hopeless oblivion of mangled dreams while rehearsing, while talking, while doing just about everything. Izzy's concerned, but the world is a mess of confusion and stress, and it's just one more mark on the list. Steven is falling apart. Izzy knew that he was a wild child from the beginning, all crazy hair and bright eyes, but hadn't known then how truly crazy the mind of Steven Adler really was. Now, even, Izzy doesn't know, and he thanks whatever higher power there is that he doesn't. 

Because there's a fear, odd and superstitious, that he'd go mad, too. 

There's a smell, underlying the smoke and alcohol. Burning plastic, as it often did. Izzy didn't know that drugs had a smell, and then he became involved in this situation, embroiled and entangled, unable to get out, and he knew a lot of things. 

Darkness. Not even the sunlight coming in from the window could push back this overwhelming night. Like a child, with fears that didn't make sense and a mind not fully developed, Izzy pulled away his feet when he became aware of how close they were to touching the dark. Like a parasite. He feared that if they touched then he would become infected with whatever the darkness held within. Which was funny, in a weird, not-really-funny sort of way. Izzy had darkness within him, and knew it full and well. 

He couldn't laugh, could barely smile. Life became a dull rendition. 

Perform. Watch as their 'leader' launched himself into the crowd and threatened to kill some guy. Stumble off backstage, and feel empty and cold and lonely. 

Life had started out so well. 

When Izzy had been younger, life had been bright and hopeful. You wouldn't have known it from his attitude, but he had been truly happy back then. Now, it was just going through the motions. 

They were falling apart. Pieces falling away and crashing into the waves that tumbled below. 

For awhile, they'd ridden on a high. Now, they'd hit a low. 

Steven was changing. It was obvious, even to the most casual bystander. Sometimes, he was his normal self, bright and cheery and so hyperactive that it was like he never ran out of energy but then he got all despondent and cold, and Izzy felt alienated and hopeless just watching him. Talking was an endeavor that usually ended in failure, it never worked no matter how hard either of them tried, and fights were beginning to become a near everyday occurrence. Izzy was inclined to turn into himself during these times, but that only added fuel to this raging fire. 

' _Why are you like this? Is it to torment me? I put you through hell, you put me through hell? 'Cause if so, that's really imma-immature.'_

_'I'm sorry that I'm not like those dumb broads you like to put yourself around! In care you haven't fucking noticed, my name is Izzy and I have wants and needs that you don't even bother to fill!'_

_'It's hard **not** to notice when I got you ragging on me and complaining all the time.' _

Bitter explosions of anger. Disappointment and a dull realization that they were growing apart. Sex was a common courtesy, and whatever affection that wasn't sexual was so gone that Izzy didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. Forget all about that- Steven was dying. There was no use entertaining with lies. 

It was useless to try and think that everything would get better. They would never change, because changing required work, and so did this odd relationship that had survived the test of time but not the test of personal wills. 

Steven wasn't trying- _that_ was quickly evidenced by recent events. 

And Izzy- he was so tired. 

Physically and mentally, he'd been pulled thin. All he wanted to do was be able to drift off just like the man beside him could and sleep, sleep, sleep, until life got a little bit brighter again. But there was no chance for that. Izzy was simultaneously restless, brimming with thoughts and emotions. 

He knew, no matter how hard he tried, that he couldn't save the man he loved more than life itself. 

The realization came slowly, like it was just awakening from a long slumber. It didn't hurt as much as it should've. Izzy didn't matter. All that mattered to Steven was the drugs, the alcohol, and, _oh God don't say it,_ the girls. That sweet man who had been there was gone, or just buried so far deep that nobody could get him out. 

This was all a desperate ruse, an attempt to ward off the unwanted. 

They were beating a dead corpse. 

Izzy hadn't been aware that he had started crying until he was practically shaking with the force of it all. His eyes burned and Izzy raised his hands so that his fingers were forcefully entangled in his hair, pulling painfully to try and bring himself back to reality. It all hurt, and it made it all so much worse. 

_I'm sorry I couldn't save I'm sorry I wasn't enough I'm sorry that I am not the guy you want sorrysorrysorry_

There was cold and distance. Izzy felt like he was about to vomit. He screwed his eyes shut and was surprised as anybody else when an arm slid around his waist and hair brushed against his arms. Just a few moments ago, Steven looked dead. Now, he was there, and Izzy didn't want him there but wanted him there anyways, a desperate, twisted need to be assured that even in the darkest of days, he wasn't alone. 

_even if it's all a lie because I'm so, so alone_

"What's wrong, baby? Why are you crying? C'mon, I hate to see you cry." Steven sounded panicked and concerned, but there was a distinct tilt in his words that suggested that he was still riding on that last high that nobody could dissuade him from. "Iz? What's the matter, babe? I can help you." Drugged as he was, Steven still had that innocence about him. Izzy had once told him that the innocent would get him killed. In the end, he'd never been so right in his life but felt so angry at the same time because he hadn't wanted to be right. Not with this. 

Izzy choked back a sob. "No, you can't." He forced out, hoarse words that stumbled on the way out. Steven made a noise and pressed a kiss to Izzy's temple, brushing away his hair, attempts at comfort that wouldn't work, not because they were bad, but because of whom they were coming from. Steven was probably very confused, but he did what he could, and pulled closer until they were practically one. Izzy loathed the contact but yearned for it. He grit his teeth together in an attempt to keep the sobs in, but it didn't work. He felt so useless. It always fell apart for him right when it was getting good and the feelings of fear began to dissipate because Izzy didn't want to get his hopes up. He lowered the walls and then _this_ happened. Steven was killing himself, slowly but surely, and Izzy was helpless against the fight. 

_I can't help you Stevie I'm so sorry I love you please forgive me you are dragging me down and it hurts I don't want you to die please don't leave me alone_

It was all too much. The sun was coming in, and Izzy shied away from the warmth. He was shaking and sobbing and everything hurt. There were desperate attempts to comfort him, and Steven, drugged and dazed as he was, began to get nervous. Izzy remembered a different time, so long ago, when he was being held under much different circumstances. When the love was still strong. Here, there were hints of the old Steven, but not enough. Peeking through, but unable to break away. 

_sorry I don't want you die but you've already gone away in your mind_

Steven pressed kisses against his forehead. Nose. Cheeks. Everywhere that could be reached. Izzy felt his hands be pulled away and his hair be replaced by hands, entangled in his. "Izzy, what's wrong? You're scaring me." 

_you scare me, too._

Izzy can't say anything else and just turns his head, unable to deal. It provides him a sense of calm and comfort, silence and security, when the darkness overwhelms him, hiding him from the sun. Steven hugs him close and Izzy takes this one final moment of together. He never cries, and now that it's happening, he can't stop. 

_Finality_

Steven held him close like Izzy was a child, and perhaps he was acting like one, but soon, he would have to preserve his own sanity and cling right to what little happiness was inside. Steven might be angry, sad, or hurt. But Izzy hoped that he might be able to understand, one day, that this all too hurt much for it to go on. He might hurt for now, but maybe, in a few years time, Steven would get clean and realize why Izzy left him.

_I couldn't do it anymore I'm sorry please don't make this any harder I tried to help but nothing worked I wasn't good enough_

"You don't have to tell me. But please don't cry anymore." Steven said with a sniff, rubbing at his nose, a side-effect. 

Izzy didn't have the words to tell Steven that years of holding back his tears had left him unable to, and just curled closer, relishing this closeness and comfort because, soon, he wouldn't be able to. 


End file.
